05.25.08

Armed Hobo Revolution!

Posted in Hobomaster at 8:38 pm by Verifex

According to this article, the world is, yet again, on the brink of destruction; through environmental, socio-economic and other stresses. Not to mention the nation-states that cannot govern their own populace because of the extreme conditions they exist in. I don’t have to tell you what this all means though. Through the power of hobos with lasers, we will overcome these problems.

  • Disease spreading through your shanty-town? A high-power laser can solve that by extinguishing all life in areas affected by disease.
  • Don’t have enough food? Use the laser to burn a hole in the ground deep enough to find an underground world teeming with life, and nourishing food.
  • Is deforestation causing soil erosion in your farm, thereby guaranteeing a bad harvest? Get a bunch of rocks (either from the ground or from other areas) and throw them on affected areas, then fire your laser at them until they melt into some kind of rock-lava-substance, and viola! You’ve got earth itself protecting your tract of land from evil mother nature.
  • Is murder and crime causing your shanty to get a low-rating on tourist guides? This one’s easy, simply fire your laser at that evil guide-book author, serves him right for writing that your town is the “#1 place to die by being beat to death with a dead rat”.
  • Not enough resources to sustain your business/individual freedom? Lasers can be used as great weapons, all you have to do is find someone willing to give you money. I hear the guy down at the local market is offering R$100 for someone to “pay Mr. Harkonnen a visit, down at the dock”.
  • Totalitarian regime restricting your ability to speak freely? If you turn your laser up to 11, you should have enough power to burn a message into the moon, that’ll show them to restrict your right to speak!

As soon as you get your laser, make sure to check the little gauge on the side to make sure that the positronium drive is fully functional before you take it out for a test drive. For an example of other hobos using lasers for practical purposes, I suggest you read over this article on the subject of lasers.

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